Lived experience of PMDD from PMDD warriors. A poem by Tracy Fayle. You can read more about our Guest contributor Tracey below.
Trigger warning: references to suicidal ideation.
PMDD – By Tracy Fayle
When the voices in your head,
want you dead,
feeling worthless,
nothing but a mess,
hopeless.
Impulsive,
looking for a diagnosis,
everywhere is blocked,
confidence getting knocked,
Diminished.
I want it to be finished,
enough of playing this game,
always feeling the same.
Trying to escape,
not giving into your fate,
fighting, always fighting,
constant battling,
In your head,
life under a microscope.
Drowning in false hope,
endless arguments in your head,
A constant dread.
Facing another day,
nothing but decay,
I want it to be different,
people are just ignorant,
not believing or hearing you,
always having another view.
See the world through my eyes,
no truth, always lies,
telling myself to carry on,
when in my heart, I’m done,
done with all the emotions,
the constant highs and lows,
of searching through a maze,
trying to see myself through a haze.
I’m just a disappointment,
A failure,
nothing to see here,
An avoidant,
trying to find a way out,
living in doubt,
PMDD a label of pain,
all my efforts are in vain,
A constant cycle of going insane.
About our Guest contributor
My name is Tracey; I’m 46 years old. I have been married for 21 years to Mike. I have three beautiful boys aged 20,16 and 11.
I have been suffering with symptoms for two years. Doctors kept putting it down to perri-menopause and then due to the loss of my mother, they then pointed towards grief. I literally thought I was going crazy. When I realised that symptoms lifted when I got my period, I started my own research. That’s when everything pointed to PMDD. A mental health nurse diagnosed me and as I was already on antidepressants, she explained that this was the treatment for it.
They didn’t really make much of a difference to my suicidal ideation each month. Due to the perri-menopause and irregular cycles I couldn’t predict when these bad episodes would be likely to happen. This was difficult as I would feel like I just got over one bout then another one would come again. I gave up work in Nov 2023 as I couldn’t cope. I ended up taking an overdose in Dec 2023. I didn’t know what was happening and why I kept looking back at my life. I was so desperate and felt like nobody was helping. I already had ‘talking therapy’ and was seeing a mental health nurse. I couldn’t see a way forward and definitely didn’t want to carry on living with depression and the constant cycle of emotions.
I started writing poetry after a therapist expressed that I had a lovely way with words in January 2024.
It is a powerful tool to use to create validation for the reader and the writer. We all want to be heard. I really struggled to talk in therapy due to anxiety and the constant fear of judgement. I found it difficult to open up. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. It has been useful because I can read them again and see how far I’ve come. I can also hear the fear that was locked deep inside of me as my thoughts often took me to the depths of despair and to the point that I didn’t feel safe in my own head. I struggled with what was reality and what my thoughts were inventing.
I want to raise awareness about PMDD so other women don’t have to go through what I did. I think my words are real and hopefully will resonate with others.
The PMDD Project welcome guest bloggers, poets and artists with lived experience of PMDD to share their insight.
Please contact us for more information.
If you are currently struggling with PMDD symptoms / in a crisis:
- Text SHOUT 85258 for support via text.
- Call the Samaritans on 116 128. Open 24 hours a day. Alternatively, check out their other support options HERE.
- If you are suicidal, have self harmed or made a plan to end your life, please call 999 immediately.
If you are struggling to get a diagnosis of PMDD/correct treatment for you:
- Drop us an email or DM on Instagram.
- Contact POHWER advocacy (free).
- Stay tuned for a new blog post with our recommendations and guide, based on lived experience, professional insight and extensive research. Coming soon.
